It is presently four o’clock in the morning, and the little monster (the sweet term of endearment kind of monster, not the bad kind) has awoken from his slumber and crying his sweet cries because he wants me to move him from his crib to our bed. This is the norm. However, it is usually a 2 or 3AM wake up time. Yes, I know we really shouldn’t let him sleep in the bed with us, but he loves it. I love that it makes him feel safe. This time is a cautious time. I have to be sure to move him in quickly and jump in the bed before he realizes I’m not right beside him, otherwise we will be up at four o’clock in the morning to begin our day. It is usually around this time I have to pee so badly I can’t stand it, but I wait. I wait until he falls into his little slumber and slip very carefully to the bathroom. Mommy win.
I’m not going to lie. The last year and a half or so has been the most trying (and most rewarding of course) of my life. It is no secret that my pregnancy and birth of Carraway (see post from August 23rd) was difficult and terrifying. It was even more difficult post birth-physically and emotionally. I'll elaborate in a later post. I think I’m starting to feel more “normal,” whatever that is. It is still a struggle every day, though. I accept that this is my real life as a mama. No filters. It isn’t a “mommy fail.” It never will be a “mommy fail.” I won’t let it. There is a process, though.
Let me run through my week:
Monday: I forgot to wear deodorant. Getting ready in the morning is always a fierce fight to the car.
Tuesday: I forgot my workout socks. It kind of worked out. I couldn’t run because of all the smoke in the air anyways (fires raging in several states).
Wednesday: I forgot my running pants. Same as above. It isn’t a good idea for me to miss two days in a row. Que the brain fog.
Thursday: I never lay my clothes out the night before, so I end up wearing an atrocious and most uncomfortable outfit to work. I threw it on so quickly because I didn’t give myself enough time to get ready. Ladies, and some gents, I know you can appreciate the severity of this. Day ruined. Shame on me.
Friday: Each Friday I must drive to daycare at quarter to five to pick up Carraway and drive back downtown Charleston to pick up Jared. This puts me on the road an additional 2 hours. BUT, it is all worth it because we don’t have to spend an additional $275 a month for parking. It took me much longer this past Friday, and there might have been a few tears shed and obscenities flying.
Mom life unfiltered is being so exhausted you never wake up until your third alarm. I’m so thankful I sleep so lightly I can set the alarm to the lowest setting and not wake up Carraway.
Mom life unfiltered is giving yourself 45 minutes to get yourself and baby ready before you have to head out the door. I thank God for Jared. It takes him a quarter of the time to get ready and he can usually get Carraway dressed in the morning. In the mean time you can usually find Carraway in our bathroom cabinets. All cabinets are full of toys now, everything else has moved to higher ground because he WILL eat it. Well, that is a lie. The floor is covered with toys and the cabinets are empty. The toys are SUPPOSED to be in the cabinets.
It is making breakfast and getting lunch ready downstairs while your baby screams baby screams that pierce you to your core.
Mom life unfiltered is dropping your baby off at daycare for 10 hours a day while you work and sit in traffic.
It is trying to take adorable baby pics but end up with this (it is still adorable, though):
Mom life unfiltered is decorating your Christmas tree, except the bottom third.
It is being the last one to eat because you must make sure all are fed. When it is your turn to eat you get a portion, because baby wants to eat your food too. How am I not skinny yet?
Mom life unfiltered is getting out of the car on the Johns Island Connector while in traffic to get your run in so you can feel yourself sometimes. I have found that working out is essential to level your hormones after having a baby, at least for me. Again, thank you Jared for being my chauffeur everywhere we go.
Mom life unfiltered is taking every break at work to watch videos of your family or photos because it helps you get through your work day since you can’t be with them.
This mom life might be hard sometimes. It might beat you down so far you cry every single day, and you question your own being. Sometimes you feel lost--a kind of lost that is tough for me to describe, but it is kind of like the Dorothy sort of lost--you don't know how you will ever get back. It may seem like I am failing so much more than the winning, but I wouldn't change those moments for the world. They are a part of our life. They make us who we are. They make these moments so much more precious:
Mom life unfiltered is waking up to baby cuddles
Being chased by your little and turning around to chase him and he laughs that cute little laugh.
Pulling all the toys out of toy basket and he runs up to me to give me hugs and slobbery kisses.
Picking him up from daycare and his face instantly turns to a smile when he sees you and sets off running/tripping/zig zagging to you.
Reading to him, and daddy, until they fall asleep.
Best of all, mom life unfiltered is loving someone so much it fills you with joy at any moment, in your darkest day with just a thought. Does that make sense? Probably not, but it makes sense to me. Sometimes pictures are all you need to describe a feeling.