Lost in Chaos: The beginning of a journey to find myself
Simplicity in life is key, so I have discovered. Lately I have felt surges of anxiety because I still really haven’t found my groove post-baby yet. There is too much chaos. I still try to fit each of my passions into a little box. For some reason each has to be separate from the other and have its own dedicated time-slot or I feel like I have failed in some way. No wonder I feel exasperated. I have too many damn hobbies. After my last post, I really set out to determine the root cause of my stress and figure out what it is that makes me happy in my life and career. Today I had an epiphany, and then it all made perfect sense. After years and years and then several days expending major energy on discovery I think I may have started to determine what direction I must take to find me and my purpose. Simplicity. This blog will help me organize my thoughts instead of just being another hobby focusing on one thing I enjoy doing.
But, after all the soul searching, I now I feel like I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up again. I started thinking about where I spend most of my time. I began dwelling on the wasted time. Simplicity involves eliminating those things that don't add "spark" in your life. Unfortunately, I still need to make money so I can't quit and just chase my dreams. What can I say..I am a realist. But, what I can do is discover that career that adds spark to my life. I have been unhappy, career-wise, most of my adult life. My childhood and young adult goals and ambitions did not match my reality at all. I have only myself to blame, of course. I didn’t enter an internship or network well. I didn’t jump into an entry level position in D.C or Northern VA to better utilize my BA in Political Science. Instead I worked at the bank for a number of years hoping to gather enough funds to go to expensive grad school. Hah. Then, grad school and lots of student debt later I am no better off. Here I am almost 3 years after grad school and I still have not utilized my master’s degree. Long story short, I did it wrong, I owe lots of money and I still have a job that does not satisfy my goals, passion or anything else really. I have lost myself. Instead of jumping into the next project I need to figure it out before I lose more time in chaos.
How do you find yourself when you are lost? I have done like/dislike tests, strengths finders, aptitude tests and spent hours just thinking about what I want my perfect world to look like. As it turns out, I like to learn, write, lead, create, current affairs…but I know this. For goodness sake, I wrote a damn book. Why can’t I figure out a career? It seems so simple, but it is complicated. It is complicated for someone like me who is not satisfied unless it gives me purpose. Is that what it is like for everyone? I’m not okay with just okay. I will never be okay with just okay.
What gets you out of bed? What is your calling? What do you want your legacy to be? I asked myself these questions. It really all boils down to creating a better world for my son to grow up in. Grand ambition, I know. I still don’t know what the answer to that is, but I’m just going to start somewhere. I will start here.
There will be politics and discussions about international conflict, because great thinkers are what we need to move toward a more human way of life. There will still be home improvement, because it is fun. There will be some excerpts from my book, because writing is an outlet that has saved my sanity and has done a wonderful job of helping me find myself in the past. Maybe having an outlet to visualize all of my ambitions I may be able to determine the direction in which to focus my career.
It is now time for me to take control and be the leading lady in my life again.