My morning routine: wake up after the 2nd (okay sometimes 3rd for 4th) snooze. Lay for a moment and reflect. Read the news. Feel sad about the world.
This morning was a little bit different.
It all started yesterday.
Yesterday, I finally had the slap in my face, likely a breakdown, that I needed to move forward. I have been studying happiness and practicing different techniques for a while— I have read books, worked on replacing negative thoughts with positive, worked out, etc. All bullshit (I never pretended to be an expert. I’m just rolling through life). Well, not really all bullshit. Those techniques really do work! But, I missed a very powerful step. I hadn’t accepted the fact that I need to understand my anxiety to move forward. I hadn’t reached a moment of clarity about my anxiety yet. I suppose I was in denial about some of my triggers. I used to be so good at managing anxiety in the past. Not that easy this time. As a matter of fact, it is making me sick. Like I can’t remember a span of two weeks where I wasn’t sick with something. Not the hypochondriac kind—the bronchitis, virus, double ear infection, heart palpitations, etc, etc kind…for an entire year!
So, why was this morning different? Why this revelation? Yesterday, I cried a lot. I talked a lot about what I was feeling. It took simply verbalizing and having someone listen and respond objectively for me to finally understand that this isn’t something that will just pass. I need help! I need to change my thought process about this entire thing! No, this wasn’t a therapist I was talking to. I had a breakdown while sitting on the doc chair, naked from the waist down, crying (hysterically might I add) to my gyno. It doesn’t matter who you talk to.
And it felt GREAT. I was unapologetically honest and unabashed. My mind was finally seeing all of it. I can finally move forward. So, that starts with making some changes.
This morning I was trying to think of a website I could go to instead of the news I pull up each morning to read—something feel good and happy. I want a warm, fuzzy feeling that makes me feel halfway good about humanity. Sure, I could read books, meditate, etc, but all I want to do in the morning is read the gosh damn news. HAPPY news! It is incredible the limited number of options. So, I have decided I will make my own safe place. Funny thing, I already have it—right here.
That really was the main reason I started this blog anyways, right? I have built a repertoire of all the beautiful, sometimes chaotic, things in my life to remind me of the wonder and joy in this world and my life. I want to share that with you, as well, to build hope or to help or inspire someone else to change focus. There are so many of us out there. We NEED that. There is no shame in it. I come here to remind myself, because I need it, to be honest. I’m not perfect. I can’t manifest or meditate a happy feeling to make the anxiety or millions of thoughts disappear, but I’m working on it. (tip. I can’t emphasize enough #1—know your triggers, or none of the paths to happiness you practice will work).
It is hard. Too often we are bombarded with scary, terrible, tragic….shit. And, when you focus on shit...shit happens, so try to avoid those triggers and cast them the f*** away. Maybe, come here. When I have a moment, I come here to remind myself.
Until I am able to master super yogi or meditate like Buddha teaches, this is my therapy and I’m going to do better at practicing.
I’ve added a gallery to add some of my favorite happy, wonderful photos—the ones that give me all those feels or inspire me in some way (actually, photos to come. It is on my to do list). Maybe they will inspire you as well. Don’t we all just want a little more happiness, wonder and beauty in our lives?
I’m going to start posting a happy thought each day on instagram—something we can be thankful for.
Here is a reminder to all, and maybe a mantra to repeat:
You are a beautiful and complicated work in progress.
LIFE is a beautiful and complicated work in progress.
A few more reminders:
There is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t crazy.
Ask for help. Talk about it. You might learn something about yourself that changes your entire perception.
You are not alone
Mismanaging your anxiety can create dire health consequences.
disclosure while this may not be my most organized work, sometimes it is better to just let the words flow and embrace the chaos.