On Life and Writing

I have spent an exhaustive amount of time trying to figure out a brand, the purpose of this blog, how to grow as a blogger and writer. It all made it so easy to lose sight of why I started doing this in the first place.  Then, I realized I don’t want to do any of that bullshit, because damn, it is stressful! It wasn’t meant to be stressful, and I don’t want it to be.

I started my blog during my difficult journey through postpartum depression after having my son, Carraway--as a way to deal with some of the real shit, or many powerful, often fleeting, but recurring, emotions I couldn’t get a grasp on. I used it as a creative outlet, an expression of myself so that I could become a better me for my family, for my friends, for humanity, and for God.

Writing it all down just helped me. Getting all those conflicting and unrelenting feelings down on paper (or screen) was therapy for me. I could read back and reflect and put pieces together I couldn’t see in the moment. Mommas who have been through it understand. It is a mental war you have no idea sometimes which side you are on. Does that make sense?  I could acknowledge it as a problem, accept it, and look at ways to help myself through the journey if I could just see it. Simply the expression of the problem and what I was feeling helped relieve me. And, it still does, three and a half years later.

I didn’t start it to promote or impose my opinion on the world. It was simply a spill over so my mind wouldn’t spontaneously explode and ruin everyone’s day, even though it probably was--at least mini explosions. Sometimes it was a very welcome distraction. However, there was hope something I would say, or do, or create would inspire someone else.I hope it has. I hope it does. Even if it is a momentary inspiration to tackle a new project, make a tough decision, write a book of your own, or just get off the couch  and do something on days you feel like might be the day you break.

I want to share something I figured out--something so simple but so powerful.  Yet, it has slipped my mind a few times along this journey. Do YOU. Do what brings you joy, for the right reasons, whatever that may look like. Want to carry on with your 10 different hobbies, but someone says you will never be successful because you are spreading yourself thin? Well, does eliminating one feel like you are breaking off a piece of your heart? Then don’t do it. Carry on. Do you love writing paranormal fiction even though it is harder to sell right now? Me! But, does that story live in you? Then keep writing! We focus on so many outward influences, but what we need to do to be happy is focus inward and keep doing what drives you, without the influences of others.

You ask, then how will I ever be successful? It depends on what your definition of happy is. What I am saying is that I have spent endless hours researching and reflecting on my own happiness and what that means to me.  It is a journey, but I always feel best doing what I love. I feel my best discovering me and figuring out what it is I really do love. Will it ever make me millions? Not likely, but celebrity and money doesn’t necessarily mean happiness, right? You don’t have to commercialize what you love. If you figure it out and it works for you, then that is great! But, it isn’t the path for everyone and it shouldn’t be. You have your own path.

I’ve learned some things about myself along the way.

I’m a dreamer. I’m creative, imaginative, hopeful. I love to give my opinion on all things, like foreign policy, but I also just love to write about day to day life and the wonder we sometimes miss when we fall into routines and bad habits, because it is so easy to do.

I also love to garden. Now, that is a more recent endeavor, but I love it because I’m learning something new, it brings me closer to my family and the earth, literally. I like to think it brings me a little closer to God, which we could all use. Anytime you connect to nature you should do it.

I enjoy my independence. When I lose any bit of control or don’t get my “me” time--I crash. I quit the gym some time last year to do more at home workouts. I recently started back up, and I feel exhilarated. I missed that time to work on me. And, that is not selfish. It is self love, which is essential to being the best you and giving your family the best of you.

I’ve learned some things about myself I don’t like.

I dwell. I overthink and dwelling on a negative emotion is poison. I’m working on it.

I am an emotional eater.  My demon is sugar. Again, I’m working on it, and I like to think I’ve made progress. Your body is a temple right? Just do your best.

These things might be lifelong struggles, but I will continue to work on them anyways because I am worth it and my family is worth it.

We all have scars, demons, and vices.

But, are you working on yours? REALLY working on them. Are you even acknowledging them?

Anyways, the point of this mini post is a remind to myself and you, my friends that its okay to get lost sometimes. There is beauty in that journey, but remember to sit back and examine the grander picture sometimes. Connect to that inner you, forget the rest, and find that beautiful purpose--I would like to think that purpose is to love and compassion. But first, you have to love yourself. To love yourself, you must understand yourself.

I need reminders and maybe you do to. So, I”ll commit to showing you a little bit of wonder, a little bit of whimsy, and a little bit of chaos sometimes. Remember, I do it for me, it is my journey. You do you and let it shine.